The Gentle Parenting Backlash
13 March 2025
There have been a number of articles in the media recently laying criticism at the door of gentle parenting, blaming soft parents for behavioural problems in their children:
“Is ‘gentle parenting’ ruining our kids?” (thetimes.com)
“What teachers really think of gentle parenting” (inews.co.uk)
“Gentle parenting is no way to bring up children” (independent.co.uk)
The underlying theme across all of these boils down to this: gentle parenting produces wayward, entitled children with no respect for authority. The nuances of this topic are complex, but what this sentiment exposes is that gentle parenting is actually widely misunderstood.
There are various factors behind the confusion, but I think a lot of it has to do with the name itself. Look up the definition of gentle, and out come words like “tender”, “soft”, “meek”, “mild”. Alas to a novice, the term “gentle parenting” can signify being weak, and giving in to a child’s every whim, but this is not an accurate reflection of what it really stands for.
While it had existed as a concept for decades before, gentle parenting really began to gain traction in the 2000s when advocates such as Sarah Ockwell-Smith, considered one of the main pioneers of the approach, began to spread the word via social media, presenting it as an alternative to more traditional and tough disciplinary methods. The “do as you’re told” type of approach known broadly as Authoritarian parenting became popular in the mid-20th century as a result of multiple cultural, social, and historical factors. Later, in the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind went on to name Authoritarian parenting alongside two other categories: Authoritative and Permissive, which are still accepted as relevant by modern day psychologists (along with the fourth ‘Uninvolved’ category which was added by Stanford researchers two decades after).
The four types are summarised as follows:
Authoritarian: dictatorial and overbearing, children are expected to obey without having any say of their own. Discipline is punitive and often severe.
Authoritative: assertive, without being intrusive or restrictive. Disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive.
Permissive: no rules or structure, children are allowed to do what they want. Little to no discipline.
Uninvolved: parents take little to no interest in their children’s lives, they are essentially left to fend for themselves.
So, where does gentle parenting fit in? Ockwell-Smith sums it up in 4 points: empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. Thus, many consider gentle parenting to align with authoritative parenting, since both styles attempt to balance the need for structure alongside empathy and emotional validation. Gentle parenting perhaps places a greater emphasis on the compassionate elements over the structural side, but maybe this is because of the harsh authoritarian styles which it emerged against.
When you look under the surface of the anti-gentle parenting rhetoric, it’s arguable that a key driver of the issues being blamed upon it are actually the result of permissive parenting methods. The third article linked at the top of this post describes gentle parenting as “the mild-mannered parenting style popularised by millennials – which means never saying ‘No’ or raising your voice”. This would suggest an absence of boundaries which, as seen above, are actually meant to be one of the principal elements of gentle parenting. The article went on to speak of a fear of “producing a generation of indulged and self-obsessed brats”. Indeed, this aligns with the way therapist Alyson Schafer describes the products of permissive parenting: children who are either “entitled or incredibly anxious because there’s no one running the ship”.
In fairness, it’s easy to confuse gentle with permissive. Returning again to the meaning of the word, if a parent were to apply it too literally, taking every decision and always opting for the most gentle outcome for the child, then it’s not hard to imagine this parent being afraid to ever say ‘no’ and quickly finding themselves in a roost ruled by their child. What the parent is missing in this hypothetical scenario is that saying ‘yes’ to a child all the time is not doing them any favours in the long run. Giving in at every turn no longer seems so much like the kind thing to do when you know that a consistent lack of boundaries is actually psychologically damaging to a child.
Children need boundaries set by loving parents who, when all is said and done, know better. Allowing a child to express their feelings and emotions does not mean a parent should be afraid to step into their role as the responsible adult, who ultimately has a vast amount more experience to help guide their child through life. What more, a child whose parents succumb to their every wish/demand/protest never learns to stretch beyond their comfort zone. A child raised in such an environment is unlikely to grow up to be well-rounded, independent and secure in themselves as an adult.
The tide against gentle parenting seems to be rooted in more than just a misconception about what it means; some people simply don’t like the sound of it. For many, the idea of being gentle, whether as a person or as a parent, just does not resonate. While personal qualities of kindness and empathy are somewhat appreciated in today’s culture, our society seems to attribute more value to those with go-getting nature, with strength of character and stoicism. Meek and mild isn’t generally perceived as synonymous with ambition and success. Perhaps terms like conscious parenting or conscious discipline, styles whose emergence followed shortly after gentle parenting, are more relatable in this context. The conscious approach shares a lot of the same core themes as gentle parenting (building strong, empathetic relationships with children, being emotionally available and attuned to their needs, avoiding harsh and punitive discipline) but sets itself apart by focusing on the need for parents to be just as aware of their own emotional struggles as they are of their children’s. By reflecting on themselves and working on personal growth, parents become more mindful of their own behaviours and reactions in parenting.
I have personally found that my endeavours to be a gentle parent have naturally encouraged (or forced) a huge amount of self-reflection and growth. Trying to remain empathetic and understanding when you’re at your wit’s end and feel like losing your sh*t takes a lot of self control, which I have had to work on, and still am. Furthermore, things I automatically accepted in the past as part of my personality are now things that I want to improve on so I can do better and be better for my children. So at least for me, gentle and conscious parenting are one and the same - but perhaps conscious parenting escapes some of the PR pitfalls of its gentle counterpart.
Another aspect working against public opinion of gentle parenting is the perception that it’s “us and them”: you’re either one of the good guys (the gentle parents) or the bad guys (everyone else). In reality, parenting is not black and white; nobody gets it right all the time, whatever that even means. We’re humans before anything else, and that means we make mistakes sometimes. On a challenging day, we might say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to our kids more than we would like to. Our emotions sometimes get the better of us and yes we might even (shock horror!) raise our voices. It’s not about being perfect, that in itself is an unrealistic standard to expect of ourselves and to model to our children, who need to know it’s ok for them to make mistakes too - life goes on. It’s about responding to their emotions with plenty of compassion and zero judgement, setting boundaries which we uphold consistently most of the time, and trying to overcome our triggers so that we can manage our own emotional flare-ups, and teach our children how to do so for themselves in the process.
Personally, the idea of gentle parenting sat really well with me when my children were babies and young toddlers. Being “baby-led” always seemed to work out well, by avoiding the stress of trying to push them to do things they were not yet ready for. Being gentle in the literal sense of the word made a lot of sense to me; babies are small and new and fragile and vulnerable, which pairs well with a soft touch. Anecdotally, what I have found is that a lot of people start out like this and then get disenchanted along the way, usually around age 3-4, when boundaries to become increasingly important for everyone’s ability to cope with the demands of being a toddler/pre-schooler and the person looking after one. Confused about how to introduce more structure in a way which is consistent with the gentle philosophy they’ve upheld to date, parents can start to feel lost and overwhelmed.
So what should we make of the media rebuttal of gentle parenting? It may surprise you to know that I don’t think it actually matters that much. If parents, frustrated and struggling with entitled children who have no respect for their authority, jump on the anti-gentle parenting bandwagon and start saying ‘no’ to their children more then maybe that’s a good thing; sounds like they weren’t doing enough of that anyway. I don’t think this means we’re are on the verge of going back to norms of corporal punishment and “seen but not heard”. It seems likely that those who are (or were) giving gentle parenting a try are intrinsically minded towards being more empathetic and understanding towards their children, so even if they lose their way somewhat, it’s doubtful they’ll stray far.
The list of names to classify the various different approaches to modern day parenting is vast: gentle, conscious, positive, confident, slow, powerful, mindful… and the internet is awash with parenting guides and courses, which can be helpful in providing direction but can also be incredibly overwhelming. What becomes increasingly clear to me is that labels in parenting (as in many areas of life) are not truly that helpful. We parents are all individuals, as are our children; we’ve all got to find the styles and strategies that not only resonate with us but are also effective in our homes.
Ultimately, whether we choose to call it gentle parenting or not, what matters is that we are present, engaged, and committed to fostering a relationship with our children built on love and mutual respect. At the same time, providing strong leadership in our children’s lives is crucial. By guiding our children with clarity and consistency, we provide them with the structure they need to feel secure and confident. What works for one family might not work for another, but through reflection, compassion and consistency, we can all find the parenting approach that feels right for us.
